God grant me the SERENITY
to accept the things I cannot change;
COURAGE to change the things I can;
and WISDOM to know the difference.
As I struggle with our entire journey and prognosis, this Serenity prayer keeps coming to my mind, and I've been reflecting back to it daily. Of course I wish things had turned out differently. I wish they were just now meeting us and this world healthy and ready to go home, and I wish that I had experienced a full and happy pregnancy. Instead, all of my milestones were clouded by darkness or I simply did not reach them. On the first day of my 2nd trimester, I ended up in the hospital with a "threatened miscarriage." On the day of the gender sonogram, we were elated to know we were having one boy and one girl; however, fear set in when we were rushed to the hospital for an emergency cerclage. The excitement of the third trimester is something I never reached. The unimaginable joy of delivering was instead a fast and frantic delivery and fear was our only emotion. Helplessness is what I have felt here in the hospital as I have watched both of them fight to survive infections and grow. What they have gone through, especially Drake, is not fair, but there are no guarantees in life. This is our reality; this is the hand we were dealt. I pray for serenity.
Brian and I had no choice but to face this hurdle with as much courage as we could muster up. Our fate is not etched in stone and we will work every day to help both Drake and Kennedy reach their full potential. Doctors are filled with knowledge and statistics, but they haven't taken into account the love and determination of our family. Over the weekend I felt that there must be some mistake...they were showing us the wrong MRI. Those results do not match up with the little boy we are looking at in this crib. Today I accept that this is Drake's diagnosis, but I do not accept the limitations. I pray for courage.
I have gone back over the week and days before they were born with a fine tooth comb. Were there any signs? Could I have done something differently? Could this have been prevented? Why were they born so very early? The doctors tell me that these things just happen. What that really means is that they don't have the answer either. These questions fall into the area of guilt that plague mothers of preemies.
Drake had a good day today and he will be on full bottles in no time. He also had a routine echocardiogram and everything looked completely normal. Kennedy is still working on her feeds. Reflux has been a major issue for her and we are hopeful that her reflux will improve in time. Tomorrow I will be meeting with a developmental doctor about Drake, and hopefully I will learn some new things that will be beneficial for him.
5) Drake exercising